The Emotional Roller Coaster Needs Maintenance

As a mom (really just as a human being), you go through many highs, lows, ups and downs.  Yesterday as I am sitting in the waiting room of the doctor’s office, I saw a pregnant momma with her significant other and their little boy who I’m sure is going to make a fantastic big brother.  I was happy for them, even though I don’t know them.  I also found myself a little sad because those days are behind me.  I think.

I was there for my yearly appointment, but I was also there because I have been having some things happen that need attention.  Nothing overly concerning, but none the less, we will address it.  I was already ill at ease and not as invincible as I once thought.

I was filling out the yearly “we want to make sure none of your information has changed and we have your correct insurance info so we get paid” form and my name was called.  I sat in the examining room and answered the routine questions, “does anyone in your family have this that or the other thing?” “No.” “Good.”  “Do you smoke?” “No.”  “Do you drink?”  “Yes, socially.”  “Ok, we have a glass or two of wine per week.”  “Yeah, it’s probably more than that.”  I mean, let’s be honest here.  Do I mention that it’s actually vodka and club soda for the summer and because it’s less calories?  Nah.  Let’s just stick with what they have.

Then she takes my blood pressure.  It’s a little high.  Ok, it’s too high for someone my age.  Great.  One more thing to try and regulate.  Breathe, I tell myself.  Then we talk about my “issues”.  She casually mentions pre-menopausal symptoms.  I want to hurl.  But then she quickly dismisses that because of my age.  Ok, I think.  Then she tells me, “that is what the doctor is for.”  “I never would have thought that,” I say snidely in my mind.

She types a few more things in her computer and I “get ready” for the doctor.  The doctor comes in and he is just as sweet as he can be.  He delivered Avery and immediately asks how she is.  How both kids are.  I feel a calmness wash over me and I know I will be taken care of.  We talk.  He asks me, again, if anyone in my family has this, that or the other thing.  Again, I say, “no.”  And then I see it.  It smacked me right in the face.

From where I was sitting when I was talking to the nurse, I couldn’t see it.  But, I was now on an examining table/chair/recliner thing and I could see the computer screen.  My history with that practice was right there and it said, One full-term pregnancy, 22 hours (Avery), One full-term pregnancy, 8 hours (Jordan).  In the middle of that medical sandwich were the words, “spontaneous abortion”.  I started to cry immediately.  I had gotten pregnant between my two babes and lost the baby almost immediately after she/he had been confirmed by the practice.  It was early, but it doesn’t matter.  Does it?  No.

I started to fan my face while the doctor’s back was to me and tried to calm myself down.  There were a number of things that ran through my mind as I mindlessly answered his list of questions.

I remember taking the pregnancy test.  I remember setting up the appointment to get it confirmed and start the track of a healthy pregnancy.  I remember having it confirmed.  I remember the due date.  I remember the love we felt immediately.  I remember the day I got up from my desk at work and knowing immediately something was wrong.  I remember driving to my in-laws house to pick Avery up and running inside in tears.  I remember calling the office and speaking franticly to the nurse.  I remember calling Jeff at work with my panic stricken voice.  I remember tears streaming down my face I could barely see my mother in law or my sister in law who were there and trying to comfort me in the best way they could.  I remember going to the doctor and him telling me it was in the process of breaking down.  I remember sobbing in the office as they moved me from one room to another for an ultrasound.  I remember looking at the screen and there was nothing there. I remember sitting on my couch at home for what felt like a month waiting for it to be over.  I remember it being one of the worst times of my life.  I processed it and I learned to live with it.  It’s not something you get over.  This is my low- one of them any way.

Then, back in present day, the words came up on the screen in the office and I was right back there.

We went through the rest of the appointment.  I was told I need to have an ultrasound and we scheduled the appointment.  I couldn’t get out of there fast enough.  Part of that was because I really had to pee, but the other part was the raw emotion of the visit.

As soon as I got to the car, I called Jeff.  He was waiting for me as we discussed that morning.  I cried, he listened.  I grieved, he understood.  I calmed down, he assured me it was ok.  Everything I was feeling was ok.  God, I love him.

I pulled myself together and went to work.  The rest of the day was “normal”.  I was out of sorts, but it was what it was.  At the end of the day, I went to get my two babes.  As I pulled up to the school, they both came running and waited at the fence.  They couldn’t wait to see me and I found myself smiling from ear to ear.  They are my high.

The roller coaster of emotions keeps moving but remember this- everything, EVERYTHING happens for a reason.  As low as the beginning of my day was, my two miracles made it all go away.  Their faces remind me that I can get through anything.  I can be sad, but there is always brightness.  I am here for a reason- to be me, their momma and to be Jeff’s better half.  Wink, wink.  Nudge, nudge.  I kid.  He is really my better half.  Sincerely.

Everything passes, whether we like the outcome or not- it all passes.  Hang in there.